shoulda been a lawyer cuz im sucha good liar

New years was pretty fun, had some internal conflict going on with that story, kinda tainted the night oh well... it was nice seeing people. Big shout out to Alice for being the coolest person like ever and more and Cory B up in this shizzy. Can't remember much, I shouldn't smoke weed anymore, I think my long absence of no weed smoking is now making smoking weed now not that great, I mean the feeling is fucking fantastic but ... as with most drugs and me, I get stuck in my brain which is a pretty rotten place. I have poison thoughts and it really gets to me, a lot. I am taken doing circles falling forwards but not moving, I don't know sometimes I get like this and can't see anything good and I soak in it. ah fuck, my heart is in pieces and I don't think it will ever get put back together again... and I'm coming to accept that and that knocks me down even farther... Disappointment, it's all I've been feeling lately. Maybe I'll just recluse this whole year.


The Broken Boy
As it starts to rot, the life of this seems to drain from the scene, I try to act quick, but my body is sick, I'm hanging from the second hand, only to fall again and again, I keep kicking myself while I'm down, I don't deserve the charm of this town, disappointment overwhelms my sense, sometimes the air keeps so dense, like it was years ago, love came easily and life rang in my ears, the streets sang in praise, as we mindlessly danced through the days, I'm alone, I'm lost, Can't find the light in this dark room, I just want to talk but I'm always so wrong, now I keep quiet through the night, I'm stumbling through speech, making an ass of me, how could I ever believe anyone could want a fuck like me? It's discouraging to say the least, sometimes I forget to breathe, only to be let down when I find I'm still alive...
you would too... you would too...

So some people are cool and others arent, good thing i really never see any of the uncool people.

party at kevins tonight so rock the house like its caketime always and forever.

im home obviously and i love you all, kmuchthanksbye ^_^

and for the end of the year


AND

You make my heart flutter.

my tounge clusterfuck.

my hands tremble.

you inspire me, i want to make you smile, always and forever.

you really got me, and you didnt do anything.

not even try.

Now I can't get to sleep and it's thoughts of you screaming in my head.

but I'm not worth it, I'm not good enough, for someone as amazing as you.

Lately, with the way the world is going, when I go out for a cigarette at night and I wear my music headphones, I get really paranoid that a zombie might sneak up on me and I will miss the natural stalking sounds of said zombie because I'm blasting my music and rocking out. I can't be one of the first ones to go, I am a natural born undead hunter.

Seriously, it's a legit fear I have and I get really creeped out, almost enough to stop listening to music while smoking... BUT NO WAY JOSE IT TASTEs LIKE FRUIT!

Sweet slumbering sickness,
Gathered to remember better times
Drank til the lines divide
Now colors drain from our eyes.

Said what we wish we held back
My muscles weren't responding right
To assumed call response, the synapse was lacked
But I always freeze around you.

The heat melted faster then the ice could sweat
Four nineteen and the sun starts to rise
We all go to sleep side by side
But we wake alone

My dreams were inches from me,
But I couldn't ask
I pretend I'm sleeping
As you think of leaving
Regret sure does leave a stinging
Feeling in my side
My heart never beats this fast
Yeah, you kill the butterflies
Yeah, the nightmares alright
I can feel you but no one can feel me?
Scream but no one's listening
Dream but shes not near me
I don't know your language
Are we wasting our breath?
As the morning sky drifts across your eyes
Well the pleasure, I guess, is all mine...

I.
Love.
It.
Here.

I don't wanna come home, stupid government, hum. I got a new long board today, its 5 feet long, when i took it into the skate shop to get it put together everyone was droolin over it, i love riding it, ive missed it, it's so smoooth, im gunna bomb so many hills when i get home. I met this cool kid named Jordan out here who is also into AA, we went up to the snow yesterday and it was awesome, I went to the beach and saw the snow in the same fucking day!! Only in california dudes. only in ca. its cool to have a friend out here cuz there aint much to do by yourself when you are broke! I hate money, but whatever its no big deal.


if you want something interesting to watch on the internets and you are bored, watch look up Dr Steve Brule on [adult swim] or youtube, itll change your life O_O

So I'm in cali, it's cold and was raining HARDCORE for like all of yesterday, now it's sunny and I plan on chillin' at the beach possible.. maybe swim if I'm feeling spunky. On the drive out here on the interstate 8 thru the mountains there was like 2 feet of snow and a blizzard going on, it was beautiful but scary.

but isn't that how it goes? Beauty is sometimes very scary.. or what lies beneath. and my dad only drives a Kia Spectra [a very small car] it was good times.

BUY ONE GET ONES ON MARLBORO SMOOTHs, YES!

bad news: I got my court date, about a year ago I got arrested with some drugs on me and got a F4 & a F6 felony and back in September I got put on the TASC drug diversion program but I was rocking the needle so I fucked it off [they wanted me to come in like every other day and spend 14$ for them to analyze my dirty piss; I didn't think I was going to survive the last round so I just didn't go] so I had my case sent back to the D.A. and people keep telling me I'm probably going to get 3 yrs probation.. I'm hoping they drug test me in court cuz by then [OH yeah my court date is Jan 15. my brother's birthday] I'll be for surely clean, I haven't used in 46 days, haven't drank in god knows how long, and only took one hit of reason last monday and now I'm going to stick out the sober thing cause it's kinda fun.

anywho I'm going to go eat french toast and bacon cause I'm hungry, why else you doofus!

off to cali, see you cats later.

something to occupy your time if you are bored, check out Santogold she's sick.

TONIGHT ON THIS SHIT.
NOTHING.

UPDATE!

I moved back home! I lost my 3rd phone in 2 months. I'm going to californy for the rest of the year on wednesday. I'm making tracks like there is no tomorrow, and they fucking own.

I cannot count in my head and sing at the same time, it's hard.. try it.

even when im workin fuckers think im chillin

DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING GOING ON FOR NEW YEARS?? I don't drink or smoke anymore so if u know of anything that i'd be welcome to it'd be mucho appreciato! I don't wanna spend another one all bored and alone :'( *crys*

so ...

WHAT'S YOU DOING?
HOW'S YOUR MOOD?
HOW'S THAT SONG?

let's have a conversation... cause its important to get lost inorder to find something.

you just gonna keep hatin me, we gonna just be enemys!







the prettiest thing is new white wall tires, i shouda been a lawyer cause im sucha good liar!



so is andre nikki

so things are ok... lost my 3rd phone this month, hahaha it's kinda funny how shit unravels. I only gotta put up with this half way house bull shit for another week then I can finally have a home again.

It's hard to stack bills when you're getting worked over and screwed :-/
BUT goodnews I get to go to cali on the 16th or 17th but that's around when Gayle and Max come into town and I really want to see them.

It's impossible to call on those who are unavailable in your life.

1 month clean tomorrow chicka WHA!? Who woulda thought

DON'T EVER DO OPIATES
for real.

I need instruments, I am so inspired, I've been working on my cancer like it's some kinda answer, smoke a pack a day to feel kind of ok but my vocal cords are strained but it's ok.

I stand on street corners singing my lungs out for the masses, seriously, humbly humiliated it's something I gotta come to terms with.

I HATE IT HERE, arizona that is. there really isnt much here for me. well there isn't anything here for me. I can't be happy here, really...

Is anybody listening? Or are you just waiting for your turn to speak?
I'm a king of waiting, for what? Everything to bloom. but I missed the flower's blossom so now I'm watching it wilt away. I like to keep it secret under word's beautiful attraction

ATTRACTION? I'm too ugly to know such a word. I have fully accepted I could be alone the rest of my life.
if it's been said good before why change a thing? I'm so over this no I'm not I'm so over you no I'm not, I can play ok pretty well but when my head's down I can't get to sleep my brain beats the shit out of me.
I drowned my heart a long time ago. My downfall has always been my emotions, I'm so broken I can't even fix my life, not like you care you got your own shit.

but i got an open ear for any one who needs it... I'll always be near cause distance is irrelavent just like time, man's measurement of our decay, I don't sleep cause the sun is down I sleep cause I got nothing better to do, but who can I blame cept you and you am I and I am you so who is true cause I can't tell who the fuck I am.

butter my toast and ill love you the most.

So life is hard.
AA meetings are actually pretty awesome, I mean I plunged without a light to follow, but I swear that I'd follow anything if it'd just get me out of here...

I'm in such ruin I can't find a solid piece to build off this rubble.. why did I let myself fuck up so bad? Why did I let this get so destroyed?

I'm promised I'll feel alive again but you can't revive the dead and that's where I'm at... I had to kill myself to live the way I was.

Aw shit there I go again.. I should have never began.

Hey oh hopes they leave,
me fasting, so hungry,
oh how I wish you would stay.
But the day is new,
and the night is young,
so we go touring.

Step one two,
looking for you,
dance three four,
where to go?

Hey oh so uncomfortable,
in these sheets,
not even sleeping a wink,
trying to remember,
what so special bout september,
oh yes it's when we first kissed.

Fly away memories,
I don't need you bothering me,
fly away and drown in the sea,
Fly away memories,
I don't want you tempting me,
forever asleep....
forever asleep...
forever asleep...
forever asleep...
forever asleep...
(memories)
for ever they sleep.

Oh how time cut_s away,
at the pieces of life we make,
melting to the sound of passing days,
trying hard not to shake.
steady hands go together oh so nicely,
am I someone to remember?
have I done what I meant?
I'm where I am, the only spot where I can saySun setting up for the lonely night,
stars_stars dancing oh so bright,
dancing to the shiney_shiney light,
of the cosmos menacing sigh,

I wish I had more friends who,
cared about me when I was,
Drowning...

but now that I'm alive and well,
no one can really tell cause,
they don't want to see me,
now I feel as tho I'm dreaming,
that I am disappearing,
I just need a friendly face..
I just want to see a friendly face..
where are all the friendly faces,
I once loved and still love.

Let's have fun.

YAY I TURN 20 TODAY!!

Lonely.
I am so lonely, the only people that have been willing to chill with me since I've gotten back are Cory and Brian, I love them both but I want to see everybody. I know I fucked up big time, when you in it, things and parts of you turn off... I regret it every second and I want to sit with those people most harmed and apologize and talk. *sigh*

I leave for LA tonight woot going to stop there to hang out with kaylee a little bit, then take a train to GOOD OL' ENCINITAS! mmmm I love it there, I feel so at peace when I'm there, I'd already be living there if I didn't have court... I don't know why I came back here...

I've been a machine lately, eating like a full meal every 2 hours trying to get some weight on me, I'm 6 foot and 125lbs. Thats CRAZY I Feel so sickly just cuz of that... but I feel better now, more alive then ever... it's been at least a year since I've felt alive... it's been 2 years since Nico was around and I'm back.
but there was no one to come back to...
So I'm going crazy, I sleep only 4 hours a night but have energy during the day, am willing to do pretty much anything, I just want to see people and have fun again cause I've missed it...

Not to mention the lack of everything entertaining here, or if you find something there is something of great strength that'll muck it up. Oh of course there are the money things too... but I have none of that garbage right now *spits*

Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude but money ... just go watch Zeitgeist it's on Google, it's 2 hours so when you're really bored and want your mind fucking blown... watch it.

on that note, has anyone seen where one can purchase a Black and Silver american flag like in the Kanye and Jeezy video, its so sick looking and I'm so for it, like I'm for you, for who? Oh..you know ;0

GUY GIRLS SLOTHS I have made new instrumentings on my scenespace.. myspace my bad, ick..

So seriously how are you? I really want to know and if I can help I'm there.
Cause interaction with others is needed in human life, it is! If someone is alone long enough you don't know the kind of shit that goes on... physically, emotionally, subconsciously!! Its scary...

but what am I doing?

I may have to go to jail...

*gulp*

oh well at least I can go to cali for a little bit this weekend....
does anyone want to hang out?

Hello everybody, still alive and kicking and for once I'm happy about it.
Feeling good except for the fact that no one wants/can hang out, it's depressing and lonely in my world right now...

Just looking for a job, making a lot of music, planning on moving to Encinitas soon [YAY] so I can meet new people, I love my friends u kno, but I need a girlfriend... I have no clue where to meet new people around here. And the people I know we all got so much history I don't think a relationship like that is possible. But I WANT TO SEE YOU ALL AND HANG OUT ASAP HIT ME UP GOshDAngIT

but sis get the fuck out of my dreams, she still taunts me in my dreams, am I really that lonely that my mind only plays back memorys of her?? Every dream, her lips feel like I remember... feel REAL and I wake up so depressed/displaced/confused. I'm over you, but I'm so lonely and out of love my mind/heart is tryin to reignite a spark that never exsisted.

But what is fun is marshmellows that wrestle with fruits [particularly the pear] it was an extravagent fight then went from early Roman wrestling to samurai sword dueling so you can only imagine the intensity I felt while watching this.. heh...

but people I FEEL GOOD, I FEEL HAPPY but I'm so lonely... where are my friends? Does life really unfold to being that we are all too busy to spend time with one another [GOODTIMES] we have all these things to make life easier and quicker but we still just sit around alone or working.. working for money that goes away.. I understand we need it but...

LET'S MAKE SOME TIME FOR SOME MEMORIES you never know... uh.. when the end is coming... _{unless you do...}

hey all I'm asking is for a little bit of your time, you spent a couple seconds reading this can't you throw me a minute in person? Trust me there are many things out there waiting to be discovered and I've only found a couple, LETS GO!

im losing my mind,
i wish people wouldnt act like theyre my friend but not really be a friend
honesty is better ya kno?
but new years rocked... so chill, so drunk.
happy its 2008 i already feel happier, i may be getting sick tho :(
oh well watching superbad see ya later